[ He hadn't expected Lucifer to say it back to him, not even indirectly. He isn't disappointed when he doesn't, either. Now isn't the time and he isn't ready, understandably. He knows the other man won't commit, he is bound by principles and personal ideas about how relations work that may not always hold true, but they're true to him, so what difference does it make.
However, what Lucifer does give him, to show his appreciation, his gratitude, means all the more for it, the way his Devil face melts away again, replaced by his normal features and his huge wings, folding in around Elio in time with Lucifer wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him to his chest and burying his face in his hair, crying soundlessly, just shoulders trembling, wings trembling slightly, too. Elio glances up at however much of them he can see. They're still beautiful, even slightly dulled as they look now. Do they reflect his mood? Do his wings look sad, because he is?
Turning his face in against the side of Lucifer's slowly, softly, Elio feels his tears trickling down his cheeks, sticking to his stubble. It's so vulnerable, this position, so what if Lucifer isn't ready to say he loves him, so what if he might never be? He gives him this, it's a declaration of some sort, surely. Elio smiles slightly, buries one hand in the other man's hair, brushing it out of his forehead with languid, long brushes of his palm, fingers. ]
It's a lot, I know. I know.
[ Nothing's okay, it means, I know. With Chloe, with the world as it looks tonight. But also, you heard me and can't respond, it's okay, I know, I understand. It means that, too. ]
[ Elio brushes his hand through his hair softly, the steady movement of his fingers melting into his nervous system. His breathing slows, gradually, the tears drying out. He sniffles. Stays as he is, letting Elio be warm and soft and gentle against him because he doesn't have it in him to fight against it, he can't see how he'd ever find the strength to reject what the other man wants to offer him. It would hurt him, in turn. And it would be another lie, a story told that he can't possibly believe in.
Breathing out harshly, he turns his face away. His wings rustle slightly at the motion and when he finally draws back, releasing Elio, they whack against the coffee table with enough force to splinter the glass. He groans. Shakes his head in annoyance and straightens to his feet, grasping Elio's hand and pulling him up along with him.
It's dark in the living room, except for the golden light of the bar and the few lamps burning along the walls. The chandelier glitters in the polished piano lid. He thinks that this is home, except he's fairly certain that without Elio in it, it would feel... colder than before. Poisoned. How's that for some fucking irony? Expression tightening, he edges past Elio gently, taking care not to push him, and heads for the bar. Pause. No. No, he doesn't actually want...
He doesn't know what he wants.
That's marvelous. ]
I don't --
[ Pause. A frustrated sigh as he turns towards Elio again, his wings fluffing up behind him in agitation. His cheeks are tear-streaked and he wipes at them uselessly, disliking the way it makes his skin feel itchy and raw. ]
-- I don't know how to...
[ He waves his hand at Elio helplessly. Then, at himself. ]
[ After a while, Lucifer has managed to stabilize his breathing, get a hold of himself, not that holds are necessary, but sometimes they're more convenient and sometimes they're more comfortable. So Elio lets him get to his feet, lets the other man drag him to his feet, too, his wings taking up so much space in the room and Lucifer's movements uncoordinated enough to have them whack into the coffee table, the glass splintering. He groans, edges past Elio more carefully and Elio follows after him, looking up at his face while he seems to search for the next logical step. The bar? Not the bar. I don't, he says and turns towards Elio, then, feathers fluffing in agitation (definitely mirroring his mood), wiping uselessly at his face. He looks like anyone who's had a good cry, cleansed, but open, sore.
Elio holds his arms out to both sides as Lucifer gestures from him to himself, his front, I don't know how to, he repeats. He doesn't know how to take what Elio offers, he doesn't know how to respond, give back.
Slowly, Elio just shakes his head, gesturing between them as well, like a reflection of what the other man just did. ]
It's alright, Lucifer.
[ This, it means, comes without counterclaims. I'm not waiting for anything but what you've already given me, it's not to make you give me more, it's just how what you're giving me makes me feel. Except, he doesn't say any of that out loud, instead he looks past Lucifer's shoulders at his wings and cocks his head a little bit, fingers flexing at his sides now. ]
Would you mind if I fixed your wings for you? They look a bit sad. [ Then, as a clarification: ] No expectations, of course. I do it because I want to and you let me, because you want to. If you want to.
[ He's about to fold his wretched wrings back into semi-existence when Elio spreads his arms and gestures between them, responding to Lucifer's badly voiced plea with a mirroring image, like he's offering him a lot more than just his acceptance. We're both here, it means, looking at the same little bit of chaos and Lucifer doesn't know how to feel about that so he pushes all thoughts aside and focuses on whether or not he... wants him to.
Fix his sad wings, that is.
Gaze sliding sideways, he turns his head and stares at his feathers, first over one shoulder, then the other. A bit flustered now, he pulls one wing out in front of his face, bending it sideways and looking the feathers over. Indeed, they uh. They look like crap. Mouth down-turned, he wrestles one of the long, razor-sharp primaries back into its proper place, sort of twisting it a little, none-too-gently. Then, he shrugs out of his suit jacket and leaves it on the piano, looking over at Elio a bit worriedly. Pause. ]
Are you quite certain?
[ He realises only then that he's already accepted his offer, without even thinking it through. Apparently, he... very much wants him to. Imagine that. Since Elio picked the bullets out - and, uh, the morning after sex, gosh - no one has touched them at all, perhaps aside from whenever Elio's woken up beneath them, naked skin and feathers pressed together without thought or reason. They certainly haven't been... fixed... in forever.
It's actually a bit of a mess, now that he thinks about it.
[ Are you quite certain, Lucifer wants to know, examining his wings with some obvious opposition to the entire concept. How they look, a bit shabby, a bit dull, and the Devil is nothing if not incredibly vain. Among other things.
Slowly, the other man even pulls one of them in front of his face and painstakingly fingers one feather back into place, huge and sharp-looking, it would gleam with a bit of oil, right? Elio still remember their morning after. He remembers the reaction it roused. You'll get sticky, Lucifer continues, having shrugged out of his suit jacket and he's now leaving his wings drooping behind him, just in his shirt and vest, looking fantastic as always. A bit under the weather, but fantastic. Elio looks him over, head slightly cocked to one side, breathing easy and even.
He decides, in that moment, that they'll figure it out, all of it, his wings, Chloe, them. Given time, they'll find a way around it. Through it. If need be, a way on from it.
For now, there's this moment and it'll have to carry all the rest. It's a bit much to ask of any one point in time, but Elio thinks, honestly, they've got it. He believes in them. So, he smiles, just a tad teasingly, without making it an actively lewd response and finally unzips his jacket, shrugs out of it, walks over to the piano to leave it next to Lucifer's suit jacket. ]
I don't mind when it's you.
[ It's not flirtatious, although it could easily have been. It's straight-forward and completely honest. Elio looks back at Lucifer and raises both eyebrows. Expression open. Arms open, too, almost as if to say, tell me how you want me. ]
[ Elio follows his lead, of course, even when he's set the course. There's something incredibly comforting about it, about the predictability of it. It's a part of their dynamic, he thinks, that simply doesn't waver, like Elio's just not the type of man to shock him or to leave him reeling. He should find it incredibly boring but instead, it makes his heart beat just a little more evenly and his head feel lighter. I know this, he thinks. This is home.
He smiles back, a careful little twitch of his lips, and heads for the bed. He doesn't particularly want to bring in the cleaning crew again for feathers and whatnot but on the other hand, he'd rather like for Elio to be comfortable. He toes out of his shoes and socks on the way, leaving them on the floor by the bed before finally losing his shirt, folding it away onto a chair. He glances over his shoulder at Elio, tipping his wing downwards slightly to make eye-contact. ]
You can sit behind me.
[ He sits, legs crossed, near the middle of the bed, leaving Elio room to sit as he pleases. His wings are hanging down his back, tips dragging across the floor on either side of the bed. He looks down at his hands, clenched tightly in his lap, and thinks about not having wings, about cutting them off and leaving them in bloody heaps all over his walk-in closet. It was a simpler decision, to be rid of them. Knowing Elio's about to put his hands on them is equal parts terrifying and exciting and he hates that duality, the notion that a part of him remains a hypocrite, even now.
[ When Lucifer makes for the bedroom, Elio follows, toeing out of his shoes and socks on the way, t-shirt over his head only once the other man removes his shirt, as if taking his cues along the way - we're getting this naked, it's not foreplay, it's I take care of you, you let me which is by every definition vulnerable enough. Maybe even more vulnerable than anything sexual they could do. Waiting for the other man to seat himself, to look back at him over the arch of his wing and tell him, come here, you can sit behind me, like permission, Elio smiles and nods, crawling onto the middle of the bed, too. He sits on his knees, their height difference is overcome most smoothly that way, although his wings add a whole new length to his body, height and width and span.
They may be for flight, his wings, but this isn't fleeing, Elio thinks, biting his lip a moment as he tries to decide where to start. This isn't leaving the entire situation with Chloe behind, it's giving themselves a breather, a moment to not have to feel it. By feeling something else instead. Slowly, he raises both hands, fingers slightly curved, as if hitting the first chord on the piano, really, and reaches for the arch of Lucifer's right wing, just gently runs his palm over the slope of it, following the natural direction of the feathers downward in little, soft strokes with his fingers. They're strong, his feathers, though soft at the same time and it's such a natural contrast with Lucifer, like they embody his entire person in just that one characteristic.
Then again, they get sad when he does. Angry, upset. Maybe they embody him in more ways than you'd think. Elio cocks his head, licks his lips, fixes a couple of flight feathers, huge, almost as long as he is, head to toe, that have gone all disheveled. ]
You can always ask me. [ A slight pause, a third huge feather needs pushing into place and he's being careful about it. It takes some focus. There are a lot of feathers here. ] To take care of them for you.
[ And if his wings embody him, Elio knows, then he's also saying, you can always ask me to take care of you. ]
[ Elio climbs up behind, undressed down to his trousers just like Lucifer, and the mattress gives just slightly as he crawls up behind him, his weight small but significant. Lucifer can feel his breathing growing uneven, not quite hitting gasping-territory but something that feels... like urgency, impatience, maybe even...
You never get scared, said his brother once, what feels like ages ago.
Oh, the lies others believe about him.
At the first touch of Elio's hand against his right wing, he suppresses a shiver along with the urge to pull away. One deep breath, two, three - and then, Elio begins, fixing one long feather after the other and with each alignment, he feels just a little less tense. His skin prickles in response, the small coverts along the arches fluffing up slightly. You can always ask, Elio tells him, his voice quiet and his movements steady, careful. Lucifer thinks, again, about Chloe telling him she was alright, that all she saw in him was her partner, even after -- but she'd been lying and he'd been so happy, too.
Lip trembling, he bows his head for a moment, breathes in harshly. Then, he forces himself to quiet down, to clear his mind and push the thoughts of the prior days away. Instead, there's just... the feeling of Elio's fingers, the scent of his body and his naked skin. You can always ask me, he said. ]
Thank you.
[ He lifts his head and looks out of the windows beyond the bedroom, straight into the darkness outside, broken up by the burning city lights. Home. This is home. Elio is...
Shutting his eyes, he relaxes into the other man's attentions. Within long, he's thrumming at him without realising it - a low, dark rumbling from somewhere deep within his chest and throat, something that sounds distinctively non-human. It sounds like quiet, mostly, something very gentle and un-rushed. Like peace.
[ Elio doesn't fail to sense how this is a definite struggle for the other man, how he trembles at his first touch to his wings, how he has to fight not to draw away. Elio can feel it and he accepts that, too. It's extremely vulnerable. He's just lost his best friend, hasn't he, and Elio has put everything on display for him as well, giving him all the more to lose, if they should experience a similar break. They won't, of course, Elio knows, but Lucifer is still sitting with the hurt of it all, you can't expect him to tell the differences between their two situations. Why one didn't work out and the other will. Not now. There's only so much forest you'll see, surrounded by trees on all sides, right?
So, he just focuses on keeping his movements steady, aligning feathers, pulling lightly at them to get them in order, running his fingers through the rows, soft and hard at the same time. Like Lucifer himself. Elio loves that about him. He feels weirdly safe in that exact combination of traits, vulnerability and strength, softness and hardness, like he'd be happy to lay himself out for Lucifer and he wouldn't fear, not for a second.
Does that make you a fool?
He makes a hmm'ing sound at the back of his throat (maybe it does, a happy fool, then), working his way down the middle of Lucifer's wing now, the smaller feathers increasingly softer, increasingly down-like. He's careful with them. After he's righted the worst of the disheveling, Elio reaches up and carefully, gently, runs his palm over where he knows the gland is, getting his fingers all sticky with oil before starting to rub it into the top-row. The light out of them is extraordinary. It's then that he notices Lucifer humming, well, it's not quite a hum, but something similar, vibrations deep in his throat, like purring, maybe, but less... Earthly? Less from here. Elio listen to it for a long time, rubbing oil into the next row of feathers as well, until his fingers are mostly slick-free, and he thinks it means something. He wants it to mean something.
As he reaches up again for his preen gland, fingers going oily in a few rubbing motions, Elio leans in, balancing himself against Lucifer's waist and presses a soft kiss to his lower neck, upper back, between his shoulder blades. Right between his wings. Other than that, he doesn't comment, lets Lucifer keep his secret language to himself and taking away only the knowledge that it exists. That it's in there. That he can make it come out.
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no subject
However, what Lucifer does give him, to show his appreciation, his gratitude, means all the more for it, the way his Devil face melts away again, replaced by his normal features and his huge wings, folding in around Elio in time with Lucifer wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling him to his chest and burying his face in his hair, crying soundlessly, just shoulders trembling, wings trembling slightly, too. Elio glances up at however much of them he can see. They're still beautiful, even slightly dulled as they look now. Do they reflect his mood? Do his wings look sad, because he is?
Turning his face in against the side of Lucifer's slowly, softly, Elio feels his tears trickling down his cheeks, sticking to his stubble. It's so vulnerable, this position, so what if Lucifer isn't ready to say he loves him, so what if he might never be? He gives him this, it's a declaration of some sort, surely. Elio smiles slightly, buries one hand in the other man's hair, brushing it out of his forehead with languid, long brushes of his palm, fingers. ]
It's a lot, I know. I know.
[ Nothing's okay, it means, I know. With Chloe, with the world as it looks tonight. But also, you heard me and can't respond, it's okay, I know, I understand. It means that, too. ]
no subject
Breathing out harshly, he turns his face away. His wings rustle slightly at the motion and when he finally draws back, releasing Elio, they whack against the coffee table with enough force to splinter the glass. He groans. Shakes his head in annoyance and straightens to his feet, grasping Elio's hand and pulling him up along with him.
It's dark in the living room, except for the golden light of the bar and the few lamps burning along the walls. The chandelier glitters in the polished piano lid. He thinks that this is home, except he's fairly certain that without Elio in it, it would feel... colder than before. Poisoned. How's that for some fucking irony? Expression tightening, he edges past Elio gently, taking care not to push him, and heads for the bar. Pause. No. No, he doesn't actually want...
He doesn't know what he wants.
That's marvelous. ]
I don't --
[ Pause. A frustrated sigh as he turns towards Elio again, his wings fluffing up behind him in agitation. His cheeks are tear-streaked and he wipes at them uselessly, disliking the way it makes his skin feel itchy and raw. ]
-- I don't know how to...
[ He waves his hand at Elio helplessly. Then, at himself. ]
no subject
Elio holds his arms out to both sides as Lucifer gestures from him to himself, his front, I don't know how to, he repeats. He doesn't know how to take what Elio offers, he doesn't know how to respond, give back.
Slowly, Elio just shakes his head, gesturing between them as well, like a reflection of what the other man just did. ]
It's alright, Lucifer.
[ This, it means, comes without counterclaims. I'm not waiting for anything but what you've already given me, it's not to make you give me more, it's just how what you're giving me makes me feel. Except, he doesn't say any of that out loud, instead he looks past Lucifer's shoulders at his wings and cocks his head a little bit, fingers flexing at his sides now. ]
Would you mind if I fixed your wings for you? They look a bit sad. [ Then, as a clarification: ] No expectations, of course. I do it because I want to and you let me, because you want to. If you want to.
no subject
Fix his sad wings, that is.
Gaze sliding sideways, he turns his head and stares at his feathers, first over one shoulder, then the other. A bit flustered now, he pulls one wing out in front of his face, bending it sideways and looking the feathers over. Indeed, they uh. They look like crap. Mouth down-turned, he wrestles one of the long, razor-sharp primaries back into its proper place, sort of twisting it a little, none-too-gently. Then, he shrugs out of his suit jacket and leaves it on the piano, looking over at Elio a bit worriedly. Pause. ]
Are you quite certain?
[ He realises only then that he's already accepted his offer, without even thinking it through. Apparently, he... very much wants him to. Imagine that. Since Elio picked the bullets out - and, uh, the morning after sex, gosh - no one has touched them at all, perhaps aside from whenever Elio's woken up beneath them, naked skin and feathers pressed together without thought or reason. They certainly haven't been... fixed... in forever.
It's actually a bit of a mess, now that he thinks about it.
His wings droop behind him a bit. ]
You'll get... sticky.
no subject
Slowly, the other man even pulls one of them in front of his face and painstakingly fingers one feather back into place, huge and sharp-looking, it would gleam with a bit of oil, right? Elio still remember their morning after. He remembers the reaction it roused. You'll get sticky, Lucifer continues, having shrugged out of his suit jacket and he's now leaving his wings drooping behind him, just in his shirt and vest, looking fantastic as always. A bit under the weather, but fantastic. Elio looks him over, head slightly cocked to one side, breathing easy and even.
He decides, in that moment, that they'll figure it out, all of it, his wings, Chloe, them. Given time, they'll find a way around it. Through it. If need be, a way on from it.
For now, there's this moment and it'll have to carry all the rest. It's a bit much to ask of any one point in time, but Elio thinks, honestly, they've got it. He believes in them. So, he smiles, just a tad teasingly, without making it an actively lewd response and finally unzips his jacket, shrugs out of it, walks over to the piano to leave it next to Lucifer's suit jacket. ]
I don't mind when it's you.
[ It's not flirtatious, although it could easily have been. It's straight-forward and completely honest. Elio looks back at Lucifer and raises both eyebrows. Expression open. Arms open, too, almost as if to say, tell me how you want me. ]
no subject
He smiles back, a careful little twitch of his lips, and heads for the bed. He doesn't particularly want to bring in the cleaning crew again for feathers and whatnot but on the other hand, he'd rather like for Elio to be comfortable. He toes out of his shoes and socks on the way, leaving them on the floor by the bed before finally losing his shirt, folding it away onto a chair. He glances over his shoulder at Elio, tipping his wing downwards slightly to make eye-contact. ]
You can sit behind me.
[ He sits, legs crossed, near the middle of the bed, leaving Elio room to sit as he pleases. His wings are hanging down his back, tips dragging across the floor on either side of the bed. He looks down at his hands, clenched tightly in his lap, and thinks about not having wings, about cutting them off and leaving them in bloody heaps all over his walk-in closet. It was a simpler decision, to be rid of them. Knowing Elio's about to put his hands on them is equal parts terrifying and exciting and he hates that duality, the notion that a part of him remains a hypocrite, even now.
Even here. ]
no subject
They may be for flight, his wings, but this isn't fleeing, Elio thinks, biting his lip a moment as he tries to decide where to start. This isn't leaving the entire situation with Chloe behind, it's giving themselves a breather, a moment to not have to feel it. By feeling something else instead. Slowly, he raises both hands, fingers slightly curved, as if hitting the first chord on the piano, really, and reaches for the arch of Lucifer's right wing, just gently runs his palm over the slope of it, following the natural direction of the feathers downward in little, soft strokes with his fingers. They're strong, his feathers, though soft at the same time and it's such a natural contrast with Lucifer, like they embody his entire person in just that one characteristic.
Then again, they get sad when he does. Angry, upset. Maybe they embody him in more ways than you'd think. Elio cocks his head, licks his lips, fixes a couple of flight feathers, huge, almost as long as he is, head to toe, that have gone all disheveled. ]
You can always ask me. [ A slight pause, a third huge feather needs pushing into place and he's being careful about it. It takes some focus. There are a lot of feathers here. ] To take care of them for you.
[ And if his wings embody him, Elio knows, then he's also saying, you can always ask me to take care of you. ]
no subject
You never get scared, said his brother once, what feels like ages ago.
Oh, the lies others believe about him.
At the first touch of Elio's hand against his right wing, he suppresses a shiver along with the urge to pull away. One deep breath, two, three - and then, Elio begins, fixing one long feather after the other and with each alignment, he feels just a little less tense. His skin prickles in response, the small coverts along the arches fluffing up slightly. You can always ask, Elio tells him, his voice quiet and his movements steady, careful. Lucifer thinks, again, about Chloe telling him she was alright, that all she saw in him was her partner, even after -- but she'd been lying and he'd been so happy, too.
Lip trembling, he bows his head for a moment, breathes in harshly. Then, he forces himself to quiet down, to clear his mind and push the thoughts of the prior days away. Instead, there's just... the feeling of Elio's fingers, the scent of his body and his naked skin. You can always ask me, he said. ]
Thank you.
[ He lifts his head and looks out of the windows beyond the bedroom, straight into the darkness outside, broken up by the burning city lights. Home. This is home. Elio is...
Shutting his eyes, he relaxes into the other man's attentions. Within long, he's thrumming at him without realising it - a low, dark rumbling from somewhere deep within his chest and throat, something that sounds distinctively non-human. It sounds like quiet, mostly, something very gentle and un-rushed. Like peace.
Feels like it, too. ]
no subject
So, he just focuses on keeping his movements steady, aligning feathers, pulling lightly at them to get them in order, running his fingers through the rows, soft and hard at the same time. Like Lucifer himself. Elio loves that about him. He feels weirdly safe in that exact combination of traits, vulnerability and strength, softness and hardness, like he'd be happy to lay himself out for Lucifer and he wouldn't fear, not for a second.
Does that make you a fool?
He makes a hmm'ing sound at the back of his throat (maybe it does, a happy fool, then), working his way down the middle of Lucifer's wing now, the smaller feathers increasingly softer, increasingly down-like. He's careful with them. After he's righted the worst of the disheveling, Elio reaches up and carefully, gently, runs his palm over where he knows the gland is, getting his fingers all sticky with oil before starting to rub it into the top-row. The light out of them is extraordinary. It's then that he notices Lucifer humming, well, it's not quite a hum, but something similar, vibrations deep in his throat, like purring, maybe, but less... Earthly? Less from here. Elio listen to it for a long time, rubbing oil into the next row of feathers as well, until his fingers are mostly slick-free, and he thinks it means something. He wants it to mean something.
As he reaches up again for his preen gland, fingers going oily in a few rubbing motions, Elio leans in, balancing himself against Lucifer's waist and presses a soft kiss to his lower neck, upper back, between his shoulder blades. Right between his wings. Other than that, he doesn't comment, lets Lucifer keep his secret language to himself and taking away only the knowledge that it exists. That it's in there. That he can make it come out.
Isn't that enough? ]